Thank you, Jann, for sharing with us this week.
Love Isn’t Equal
When my second child came along, I worried I wouldn’t love him as much as my first. Of course I did, and I expected to love them the same.
I thought having two boys meant I could repeat everything for Cameron—he could wear Nathan’s outgrown clothes, play with Nathan’s outgrown toys, etc. I learned, much to my surprise, that children aren’t the same. Nathan didn’t equal Cameron, and neither did my love.
Nathan adored cars from the beginning, and taking things apart. Cameron preferred action figures and drawing. Nathan was tall and slim. Cameron was tall and, well, not slim. Cameron told me once that he could never get married. “Mom, I’m going to give all my money to the poor. I can’t afford a wife.” Nathan would walk into a store and tell me how he would rob it.
A stern look would send Cameron into distress. He’d burst into tears and exclaim, “You don’t care for me!” Disciplining Nathan took words and looks, more words and looks, and usually banishment to his room. That kid loved to push all buttons, literally and figuratively! As my boys grew, so did my parenting skills (or so I imagined). I learned which phrases and discipline methods worked best on which child. I also adapted my encouragement and teaching to fit their personalities.
Cameron needed to be a leader instead of a follower. We put him in situations so that he could make decisions and take the first steps for others to follow. He grew to understand that he could say “no” when others tried to influence him. He learned to stand up for himself and for what was right. Maybe a little too much! Cameron told me that during his work evaluation, his supervisor remarked that his peers felt he gave his opinion a little too much.
Nathan had to learn empathy, and that being right wasn’t more important than being kind. We gave him opportunities to show love and caring, such as handing out cookies to children in subsidized housing and working with the preschoolers at church. The last decade or so, Nathan’s friends consistently mention his kindness and empathy toward others.
Another lightbulb moment—I had to pray for my children differently. For Nathan, I prayed that God would soften his heart and incline it toward others. I prayed for my oldest to feel what others felt, and see their sorrows and joys. My prayers for my youngest were almost the opposite. I asked God to protect Cameron’s tender heart, but not to let undesirable influences take advantage of him.
I’m happy to report, by God’s grace and a mother’s fervent prayers, my kids are just lovely. Nathan is twenty-six years old and engaged to Kat, whom we adore. They plan to marry this November, and we are beyond excited. He is a sergeant with the Texas National Guard in Abilene and is an active member of a local church. Nathan is on fire about the upcoming men’s conference at his church, and he and Kat actively take part in local outreach programs.
Cameron, at twenty-three, has completed his first year of marriage. We can’t say enough amazing things about his wife, Gracie, or her family. They met at Texas State University in CRU, formerly Campus Crusades for Christ. Cameron and Gracie just finished the first year of their two-year internship with CRU, and they plan to make college ministry their full-time passion. Not so fun fact: 86% of kids who enter college professing they are Christians go on to exit college stating they no longer follow Jesus. Ya’ll can see why I’m so excited to have Cameron and Gracie in this mission field!
I struggled those first few years of parenting because I tried to love my kids equally. I was so worried I might love one more than the other, and I consumed my days doling out my love in carefully measured portions. When the lightbulb moment hit and I realized the insanity of my parenting, I took a step back and regrouped. I finally got it—parenting isn’t about loving my children equally. It’s about loving them the way that they need it. I wasn’t the perfect mom, by anyone’s scale. I didn’t love my kids equally, just the way that they needed. And that’s so much better!
Bio: I live in Grand Cane, Louisiana.--population 298. Many of my ideas come from weekly interactions with my fellow villagers. Like my protagonists, I never appreciated my small town upbringing until my husband forced me to live in one. No I can't imagine living any other way. My husband, Joh, and I enjoy Sundays at Grand Cane Baptist Church, dinner with family and friends, and watching the lightning bugs in our backyard with our dogs. Our kids come to visit, when they aren't too busy living their big city lives.
My website is
Jannfranklin.com
My books are listed under
Jannfranklin.com/mybooks
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